Mr. Dear Leader Sir,
Hello, and welcome to this sad American Web site, not nearly as robust and North Koreas mighty Computer systems, which now have VGA graphics that make everyone in the West gasp at 256 entirely different colors. Truly, North Korea contains the entire rainbow of colors, all on one 13-inch CRT monitor! And with Your Nation's Glorious Zip Drive, you can store dozens of floppy discs' worth of information on just one disc! The same one Tom Cruise uses in Mission: Impossible!
I, and the world, share the global grief over your father, Kim Jong-Il, he of the tremendous height and slim waistline and very strong chin. You, Kim Jong-Un, are said to be a video game player. A gamer, as we in the depraved west, with our worship of false monarchies like Burger Kings and Royal Crown Colas would say. Hey, you're not even thirty and you're in control of the hands-down greatest nation that ever has been or will be on earth. You're doing pretty well.
But when you start ruling, and take over your wise and slender father's firm but fair hand, maybe you can take some lessons from the plumber whose adventures you played so frequently when you were in school. Perhaps you already have: your first public appearance, some claim, was inspired by the end up Super Mario Bros. 2.
Think about what Mario does: it's a lot like what your father does. Mario finds treasure from all over the kingdom, and takes it for himself. Mario attacks anything around him that moves, even those that seem to pose no immediate threat to him. He wears a series of amazing outfits. He's not that terribly tall.
I would, with great humility and humbleness, bowing so low my American forehead greasy from inferior Western beef touches the floor, maybe ask that you not copy what Mario does in his video games. Because he is not a real person. The Mushroom Kingdom is a fantasy land.
If Mario were real, his actions would be immoral. Taking from the people without reason is called stealing. Killing those around you is called murder. Wearing bizarre clothing is called being a Page 6 hot mess. Being short-- hey, not everyone gets boxcars in the genetic lottery. You're still taller than Prince.
There's a very^14 small chance you're reading this right now. If you are, you have a chance to be better than your father, to bring your country to the 21st century, to fill their bellies with food and their minds with hope, to open up your country so the outside world can share your culture with theirs. You can be a real hero, and not just in a video game.
