I'm going to say this as a person who has voluntarily watched most every Uwe Boll movie out there. Bloodrayne? House of the Dead? Alone in the Dark? Heck, I've even seen him punching people in that Heckling documentary. In interviews he appears to be quite smart, albeit in a Keith-Olbermann the-proof-is-in-the-pudding sort of way. But there's naught but lye and pickle brine in these puddings.
A teensy example: in that Dungeon Siege film, Jason Statham has to cross a dangerous bridge. Well, we'll assume it's supposed to be dangerous, since there's no actual danger felt on screen. I'm not going to complain about the CG or the greenscreening: lots of much better shows and movies also have nonperfect special effects. Everyone has budgets, even those blessed by the German Tax Code.
Anyway, his two friends have jumped down into the river, and Statham stands there grinning like an idiot, them jumps in. Here's where the bad-director rap comes into play: the crucial shot of his friends actually landing int he river is missing. You have to convey that there two guys didn't bash their brains out on the rocks. If you don't have the budget for rigging stuntmen at the location -- or even visiting the location, which may have just been virtual -- fine. There's an easy fix: film Statham watching them fall. The camera's on him, so it doesn't have to be on them.
But Boll doesn't get that shot. He probably realized it was missing when he was in the editing room. And I have to think one of the reasons he stays employed is that he doesn't go over budget on reshoots, so he wasn't ever going to get that shot. All this is because he doesn't have the movie in his head. he's just shooting coverage, and assembling it later.
Robert Rodriguez has his movies in his head. he can cut tens of millions off of a budget by knowing which sets he needs to build, since they'll be seen often, and which can be virtual. His movies are really hit or miss, but they're demonstrably his movies, what he intended to make. Boll's films are assembly line products. They're the car crash that happens not when a bad driver is behind the wheel, but when no one is.
I realize it's easier to just say "Uwe Boll sucks" than explain why. But I can learn a lot more from a task done badly than one done well. And maybe there's a lesson for us in there: work hard, stay within the lines, and you, too can be hated by the world for your horrendous actions.
All of this is tangental preface to the news that these two fake trailers are up. One is a romantic comedy about put-upon office drone Don K. Kong, the other is a horror-movie adaptation of Luigi's Mansion. Uwe Boll, I beg you, please stay far away from the Mario franchise. It's one film was bad enough.
